Post 5: Love in a Zoom Room

Hello dear reader. I hope you had a nice couple days sitting around your house, and doing video calls in a button down shirt while your lower half is ensconced in your favorite pair of Zubas pants. And I hope you are using productive words with your family. Words like "thank you". And "let me help you with that".

And I hope you are not using words like "put down the third slice of pizza, fatty". Or "go away, I cant stand your face for a single second longer".

OK, Enough of the "ivy tower" talky talk. Let's get into some meat sandwich-type of shit: Real advice you can own - and own during our CV-19 quiet time.

Job #3 for quarantined relationship success: Use chat rooms

Chat rooms like Zoom are helpful. We all learned this long ago by watching Kip dominate them and find the love-of-his life, LaFawnduh.

You can use these chat rooms to catch up with old friends, to work, or to trade Pokemon cards with little friends in Asia.

And for those of you single people out there -- don't worry -- there is also an emerging trend called Zoom dating. So now you can "get out there" by going on video chat dates. And if the date sucks you can have your friends Zoom bomb, play Richard Marx music, and blow the fucking thing up. Magical.

But if the date is going well, how do you take your romance to the next level? Cant kiss someone goodnight in a chat room?

Relax, I have the answer, of course. I've developed a series of moves for you that are sure to impress. I've successfully converted the age-old baseball analogy to dating video etiquette.

Your playbook is below:

First base - what we used to call kissing: Place saliva on your finger, and gently rub your camera lens while saying goodbye

Second base: Lick the function keys. Lick them right-to-left if your date is in the northern hemisphere. Lick them left-to-right if they are somewhere like Australia where the toilets flush backwards.

Third base: Give yourself two simultaneous wet willies

Homerun: Insert your computer mouse fully into your mouth

So there it is, dear reader. This modern age Kamasutra is sure to make you the hottest ticket in town. And even if you are living with your spouse, use these moves liberally to spice things up.

So get out there, lick your function keys, and master your relationships. I'll be back in a few days with additional awesome tips. Until then, stay pickled.

/CheechIQ